A BUTTERFLY HEARTBEAT

After everything that happened with Lauren, Matt and I were exhausted. All that we could think about was doing everything in our very limited power to try to get her healthy again. Before we had Lauren, we had plans about what our future family would look like. And then they all fell to the side.

At the one year anniversary visit to the ICU, one of Lauren's nurses asked me when I was going to have a second baby, but that idea brought up a strange brew of emotions, with the most prevalent feeling being guilt. How could I even think of having a second child when we had needed so much help with Lauren? How could I think of it when I had given birth to a baby with a heart defect that almost killed her? How could I expect anyone to be happy for us if that was to happen? I imagined that people would groan and say, "Here we go again."

Then Lauren had her heart check up in the summer. The one where we heard the beautiful and unexpected words "healthy" and "normal." It was in that moment that I realized that Lauren was just another little girl.

I asked her doctor what the likelihood of having another baby with her condition would be. He said that her condition is as likely as getting hit by lightening so having it happen twice was almost impossible. However, once you have one child with a heart defect, your chance of having another child with a heart defect doubles. But the good news is that your normal chance is only 1% so with any second child we would be looking at a 2% chance. That's a 98% chance of perfect heart health... still an A+.

I remember when I was pregnant with Lauren and we went for our early ultrasound. The doctor was over an hour late and, as much as I enjoyed sitting in a paper dress for over 60 minutes, I was so mad. But all of that disappeared when we first heard our baby's heartbeat. I looked over at Matt with tears in my eyes and say his eyes brimming as well. We were going to be parents.

After everything that we have gone through, I wouldn't change any of our journey. I know that Lauren has had a rough early go and it was hard on our family but now I know that we can make it through anything together and it made us stronger as a family.

Yesterday we heard the first heartbeats of our next step as a family. In an early ultrasound we saw the butterfly light heartbeat of Lauren's little brother or sister to be. And it was just as magical as seeing Lauren's heartbeat for the first time.

Of course, going into this one, I have worries that I didn't have with Lauren. I also feel like we are ready. As Matt and I got into the car to leave the appointment, photos of the new baby in hand, we both took special note of the song that was playing on the radio.

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.

While I might worry over the next seven months, even though I try my best not to, I also know that God has everything in His hands. We know that prayer works. We have seen it with Lauren. Now, when I pray with Lauren at night, I am so blessed to pray a prayer of thanksgiving for her health. I would ask you to join with us in prayer for this second child. My prayer is not that it would be a boy or a girl and not that it would have blue eyes or like peanut butter, but that it would be totally healthy with every cell in exactly the right place working in exactly the right way.

It's going to be an exciting year!