THE STORY OF HOW THIS BLOG ALMOST ENDED AND WHY I WILL KEEP GOING

I haven't posted in a few days because I had to spend some time thinking about the pros and cons of this blog and if I should continue. A few days ago, a blog reader felt that I was a threat to Lauren's safety because of my depression (which, I will point out has improved so much since last summer!). Though this person has, for all intents and purposes, never met me and never in her life met Lauren, the words "police" and "child protective services" were thrown around. All because of a blog post where I was doing nothing  but posting with honesty about my experience and feelings as a mom.

After that traumatic night I stepped back to look at why I write this blog. First and foremost this is a record of Lauren's early life, which, praise the Lord, is still going on. This is also a place where we document the miracles that we have seen and continue to see in her life. I also use this as a way to reach out to other moms who might be feeling a little overwhelmed by the fact that motherhood is not all unicorns and roses. I try to keep everything totally honest and open. I believe that it is still considered shameful in many ways to have depression but that so many of us suffer from it. The more conversation that occurs, the more we will have healing because things kept in the shadows are often things that we find need to be kept hidden for a reason. From the stories of people who have contact me, I know that I'm doing good things here.

This blog has been a place where I can be totally honest and share what I am going through so that the people in my life can understand me better and try to understand the journey that we have been through as a family. It is something that very few people can understand. You can't really understand if you haven't had a child. You can't really understand if you haven't watched your child limp and lifeless as her little body is pounded by doctors doing CPR. You can't really understand if you haven't spend 7 weeks of your life in Children's Hospital, through 3 heart surgeries. But I love those people who try to understand!

Many people have it easy with their kids. They make messes, do naughty things and take up all of their time...and all of their hearts. My kid does all of that too, but we haven't had it easy.

To share a glimpse of my struggle and have someone who has never seen me interact with Lauren suggest that there might be any malice, intentional or otherwise, was so discouraging. So I would like to state for the record that there is no reason to call Child Protective Services on me. I have never, ever laid a hand on my daughter and I never will. Am I dealing with depression? Yes. Am I dealing with a toddler? Yes. Is this the best time of my life? Yes. My daughter is loved and cared for by, not just myself but also by Matt, Elysha, the rest of our extended family and many friends. I will do anything and everything I need to do to protect her. And it will never, ever be me who does something to hurt her. Ever. You don't do everything you can to save the life of someone that you are going to hurt. That is my baby. She is my love.

So I have decided that I will continue this blog. Some days the posts will be about days filled with glitter (not real glitter because that is too messy with a 15 month old but symbolic glitter) and some days will be coloured with a black crayon. But that is life. I don't want to keep secrets about anything we've been through because I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Have I ever done anything to hurt Lauren? Absolutely not. Is there the possibility that I will? I would kill myself first. But no, you don't have to be worried now that I'm suicidal. I'm going to spend as long on this earth as I possibly can with the two people that I love most.