WILL SHE DIE OR WON'T SHE?

At Lauren's last appointment we got the great news about her ventricle having significantly improved, but we also got the bad news that there is definitely an issue coming up in her aorta. On Monday, Lauren is going in for her CT scan so that the doctors have a better idea of what is going on and when they will have to do something about it. It is a fine line between waiting long enough for her heart to grow as much as possible before operating and waiting too long so that it compromises her function. It feel kind of like gambling or trying to shoot a moving target (neither of which I do well at - I hate the uncertainty of gambling and refuse to do it and I can barely throw so I figure that I wouldn't be much more successful at shooting... forget trying to shoot something that is moving). 

I can't lie - I'm nervous about Lauren's CT scan. Not nervous for what it will show, because I'm glad that we will be getting more information, but nervous that she will die during it. There I said it. It sounds crazy saying it out loud but for some reason in my head it doesn't sound so far fetched. 

Last time, she had a CT scan she almost did die. I sat in the doorway, listening to the shrill scream of the monitors and watched people running to and from the room. Nurses were crying, we were crying, and just when they got Lauren back, the machines went off all over again. And it took so long each time. I know that they say that time slows down when you're in a situation like that, but even taking that into account, it took so long that it seemed like the screeching might not ever stop until it was too late. 

So, now she's going in again. And I'm scared. 

I wrote a list of facts that support my fear and facts that refute my fear in an attempt to a: calm myself down, b: give myself another thought instead of the scary one and c: give me something to blog about (kidding, kidding). Thankfully, my lists did not support my fears. Here are my lists...

Facts Supporting the Belief that Lauren Will Die

- remember what happened last time?! I do. Forever.

Facts that Support the Opposite

- she has been sedated since then and been fine.

- her heart stopped because her coronary artery was being pinched off.

- her coronary artery looks great now.

- we didn't know it but she needed another emergency surgery before she went in to the CT scan.

- Lauren's ventricular function is five times better than it was then.

- her pacemaker helps her every day now.

- it seems like everyone there knows her and her history and how to help her. 

- have you seen her? She's crazy and she looks like a new baby!

So I came to the conclusion that this is a regular procedure that will happen on Lauren who for all intents and purposes is a healthy little girl! A crazy, toddling, life loving, healthy little girl. 

Instead of asking for you to pray that Lauren survives, I would ask that you pray that the images are clear and that they give the doctors a plan for Lauren's future surgeries. I'm also praying that she doesn't experience any fear or discomfort and that everything goes smoothly and on schedule.