UP ALL NIGHT

It has been one month since Lauren's last surgery. It boggles my mind to think that it has been so long but that might have something to do with how often we seem to end up bouncing back into there. In that month Lauren has changed a lot.

There are some changes that have been difficult. After the second surgery Lauren was often frightened, upset, and spent much of her time crying for no apparent reason. This lasted for about a week and it slowly seems to be going away or at least happening less and less frequently.

She has also made huge gains in her development. She is grabbing things with both hands, using her legs to kick at things (especially when she is excited), sitting again by herself and reaching all over for her toys. She is still behind in her development but her gains are happening so quickly.

The one area that is probably the hardest to get used to is Lauren's new sleep and eating schedule. We were warned by the hospital that she would likely go backwards in some areas of her development and this is the most noticable change. Lauren now typically wakes every 45 minutes to eat. This happens during naps in the daytime and also during her nighttime sleep - which means that it also happens during my nighttime sleep. After weeks of this, honestly, I'm exhausted. When she was first born, Lauren fed like a freak and gained 3 pounds in her first month. It made sense because she was only 5 pounds at birth, and it makes sense now because she is still underweight, but it is hard to be back on a newborn schedule when she was sleeping through the night. Nowadays I am getting up with her anywhere from 8 to 14 times a night. And I know that seems ridiculous. When I really think about it, it is more than ridiculous. But at night, when I've finished feeding her and she is asleep in my arms with her little hand gently resting on my chest, breathing slow and steady, with little pursed lips while light shines softly on her cheeks through the blinds, I know how I am able to get up over and over again to be with my baby. I might never have been able to have those moments of holding my daughter ever again. Now each of these moments is more precious to me than ever before and I know that I will be able to get up with her over and over again tonight.